Shame has been wielded as a method of control for centuries.
It’s been taught to women and queer folx about our bodies & their sizes or shapes, our sexuality, our personality (Too loud? Too bossy? Too quiet?), our mistakes (“not good enough” syndrome).
It’s leveraged for power everywhere from meeting rooms to magazines.
But what happens when we internalise that shame? When we believe it to be true, and so disconnect ourselves from our authentic needs and desires?
I was travelling in Mexico earlier this year with my partner, and we took a day trip out to the Yaxchilan ruins (which, by the way, are amazing and if you’re in the region, I recommend).
The guide was wonderful and full of knowledge, but about halfway through the day, as we were climbing the never-ending stairs that Mayan ruins consist of, he turned to me and said something along the lines of: “You should lose weight, or you might have a heart attack. It’s not hard, you know?”.
It stung.
It also took a moment for me to realise he was talking to me, because I knew my physical capabilities were more than enough for what we were doing (which gets missed when we carry implicit beliefs, as he did, about how certain bodies should behave or act).
Now, I knew his intentions weren’t malicious, and so I tried to brush his comment off as we carried on to the next site. We had an hour to free explore this time, and before long I found a place I was content to sit peacefully.
To bathe in the stillness that was palpable there.
But then the thoughts started creeping in… What if he thinks I’m too unfit to climb these ruins, and that’s why I’m staying here? What if he thinks I’m lazy? What if EVERYONE thinks you’re lazy or unfit?
And so I started to climb.
It was at this moment I realised…. I’d believed a story of shame, and stepped away from my authentic needs and desires. I’d given away my power.
I wasn’t operating from a place of desire, truth or authenticity. I was operating from a place of shame, perfectionism and self-judgement.
Now, the guide had no idea what was happening – none of this was his intention. He’s also one person, and I’m not holding him up as a figurehead of the patriarchy.
But my response was symbolic.
I felt ashamed for the size of my body, not its capabilities. In response I believed that shame, and started acting out of alignment with my authentic desire, hoping to fill (or exceed!) somebody else’s expectations.
And so I want you to think today about the ways shame stops you from being in your power.
Where do you hold yourself to unnecessarily perfectionistic standards?
What idea do you have that just ‘isn’t ready yet’?
What dream or creative interest do you put off because you’re not ‘ready’?
Where do you prioritise what you are ‘supposed‘ to do, before what you desire to do?
I believe part of remaking the world means connecting with and honouring our authentic selves.
Because as long as we’re living someone else’s story, handing our power away to an external force, we can’t create thriving lives or communities.
We live in a world that individualises and otherises systemic problems.
You’re exhausted from working 40+ hours a week, maintaining relationships, cleaning the house, feeding the kids, walking the dog, starting a side hustle or leaning into creative pursuits? Culture will say that’s you, and you should work on your wellness routine to improve resiliency.
You’re overwhelmed by the state of the world? Show up for protests or community events but can’t help but feel anxious and low key terrified of climate change? Can’t face another day in the news? Yep, culture says another you problem. You gotta learn better boundaries, or you know, maybe care a little less because you can’t fix everything.
Caught in cycles of perfectionism? Feeling never good enough? Thinking everyone’s soon going to catch on to the fact you don’t know anything and have totally winged your way into this role and OMG #impostersyndrome? That can’t have anything to do with a culture that sells us scarcity and leverages shame for patriarchal power!
(Don’t even get me started on topics like climate change or asylum seeking policies…. individualising and otherising systemic problems is political gaslighting 101)
Now, don’t get me wrong: looking inward is necessary and important, and perfectionism/self-shaming does have roots in trauma, personality & family dynamics.
My message isn’t to just blame culture, lay back powerless and say “ahh, yes, the problem isn’t here, it’s over there, nothing I can do!”.
It’s to say that our power lays in learning to look both inward AND outward.
To build our sense of agency and resiliency, to know, care & love ourselves, but also to recognise that we’re all products of a toxic system.
And when we learn that the problem isn’t us, it’s culture, it gives us a wider sphere to work from.
it gives us agency, and the power to hand back the stories that keep us stuck.
To stop our endless quest to ‘fix’ ourselves, and instead unlearn all the ways the world has said you are not enough, or your actions can’t make a difference.
Our job as Changemakers is to see the water we live in, so that we can transform it.
To become free enough to reimagine it.
Powerful enough that we dare to create it.
Trusting of our intuition and body-knowing to follow our next best step.
Are you ready?
We live in a world that individualises and otherises systemic problems.
You’re exhausted from working 40+ hours a week, maintaining relationships, cleaning the house, feeding the kids, walking the dog, starting a side hustle or leaning into creative pursuits? Culture will say that’s you, and you should work on your wellness routine to improve resiliency.
You’re overwhelmed by the state of the world? Show up for protests or community events but can’t help but feel anxious and low key terrified of climate change? Can’t face another day in the news? Yep, culture says another you problem. You gotta learn better boundaries, or you know, maybe care a little less because you can’t fix everything.
Caught in cycles of perfectionism? Feeling never good enough? Thinking everyone’s soon going to catch on to the fact you don’t know anything and have totally winged your way into this role and OMG #impostersyndrome? That can’t have anything to do with a culture that sells us scarcity and leverages shame for patriarchal power!
(Don’t even get me started on topics like climate change or asylum seeking policies…. individualising and otherising systemic problems is political gaslighting 101)
Now, don’t get me wrong: looking inward is necessary and important, and perfectionism/self-shaming does have roots in trauma, personality & family dynamics.
My message isn’t to just blame culture, lay back powerless and say “ahh, yes, the problem isn’t here, it’s over there, nothing I can do!”.
It’s to say that our power lays in learning to look both inward AND outward.
To build our sense of agency and resiliency, to know, care & love ourselves, but also to recognise that we’re all products of a toxic system.
And when we learn that the problem isn’t us, it’s culture, it gives us a wider sphere to work from.
it gives us agency, and the power to hand back the stories that keep us stuck.
To stop our endless quest to ‘fix’ ourselves, and instead unlearn all the ways the world has said you are not enough, or your actions can’t make a difference.
Our job as Changemakers is to see the water we live in, so that we can transform it.
To become free enough to reimagine it.
Powerful enough that we dare to create it.
Trusting of our intuition and body-knowing to follow our next best step.
“You do not have to be good,” writes Mary Oliver. “You do not have to walk on your knees/ for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting./ You only have to let the soft animal of your body/ love what it loves.”
It’s a beautiful poem, one that resonates across generations and lands – I think in part because so many of us spend our lives trying to be good.
Good is a noble idea isn’t it? It’s wrapped into our fairytales and mythology, stories of good over evil. That goodness is what holds communities together, that allows for the ultimate happiness, that triumphs over jealousy, rage or violence.
But what happens when our ideas of good are in conflict with what we experience as true?
When our beliefs of what it means to be a good activist, good partner, good parent, good citizen, good worker, good person clash with our desires, boundaries or needs?
Where might good and all its weighty expectations be culture’s poor substitute for wholeness? For sovereignty?
What happens – what guidance do we follow – if we do not have to be good?
I’ve been pondering these questions as I reflect on our inner guidance system, to understand what is ours to do in this time.
Many of us end up lost, at least in part, because we follow not what is true or liberating or whole, but what we consider to be good.
We become painfully afraid to say what it is that we truly want, and what it is that we truly mean.
So today, I want to offer a few love notes to liberation, small but mighty ways we can challenge the tyranny of good, and instead, start to explore what wholeness feels like, and the power that pursuing liberation over goodness may offer us.
Pursue Pleasure. We often overlook the importance of pleasure, but as adrienne maree brown beautifully writes, “There is no way to repress pleasure and expect liberation, satisfaction, or joy.”What is pleasure to you? What does it feel like in your body, heart and mind? When did you last allow yourself to feel it in entirety, and what happened when you last closed yourself off to it?Can you enjoy the pleasure of a blueberry? A bike ride? The sun on your skin? Intimate laughter with those you love?What feels like wholeness in this moment? .
Speak Truth How is your heart doing? Check in with your body as you speak this week. When you answer the ubiquitous “how are you?”, does your response feel honest? Can you imagine speaking the truth of your experiences right now?Liberation requires vulnerability, and is intimately tied with truth and feeling..
Make. Let your body put pen to paper or bowl to spoon and see what arises. It doesn’t matter what: a cake, an artwork, a poem, an action, anything. But make.Liberation is freedom. Free yourself – for even an afternoon – from the tyranny of needing your creations to be good.See if you can notice the subtle shifts – the soft animal of your body – and what happens when it acts from desire or creativity, without the domination of control.
Inner bitch? We all have one. It’s that negative voice in our heads, the inner critic, the one that says you’re not good enough, or skinny enough, or you’ll always be broke or you’re never going to reach your dreams. Our inner critic is a broken record of self-criticisms, a feedback loop where we speak to ourselves in a way that we would probably never speak to others.
That inner critic, however, believes it has an important job – to protect us. The intention behind our inner critic is not to be cruel or harsh, but to keep us safe. Our ego thinks that if we know our limitations, if we don’t push too far or try too hard, or if we re-think every mistake we have made at 2 o’clock in the morning, that maybe we’ll be okay – maybe we will find that magical way to be liked by everyone or we will motivate ourselves to make the changes that we know deep down we need.
Our culture encourages this, whether it intends to or not, by perpetually feeding the voice of inadequacy with ad campaigns that tell us that we will be happier when we have the bag, the shoes, the house, the car, the next vacation. All this does is feed our inner bitch – the “I’m never going to be enough; I’m an idiot; I thought I’d be more successful by now; Oh God I’m still single and 30, what if no-one want me?” voice.
Despite its best intentions, this survival tactic – this inner voice which aims to keep us safe – usually does the opposite. At its best it holds us back, safe within our perceived limitations; never rocking the boat, never stretching, never choosing what we really want. At its worst it becomes the cornerstone of depression, we listen to the voice so much we forget that it and us are separate. That we are not our thoughts, but rather the awareness of them; that we are more motivated by love and positive reinforcement than by fear and negative thinking.
The inner bitch territory can be hard to navigate, a rabbit-hole of dead-ends and circle-backs in a land of not-enoughness. It can be tempting to go down the one-way streets of negative thinking, getting lost in the dodgy neighbourhoods that litter the corners of our mind. Compassion, particularly in those rough parts of town, can seem unlikely.
In the past, I tried everything to combat this inner critic. Starving it through meditation and thought monitoring (highly recommended), beating it through more self-criticism and judgement (not recommended), and by acting tougher, more confident, more self-assured – most of which were band-aids for a wound that needed surgery.
In the words of Kristin Neff, “when you’re in the trenches, do you want an enemy or an ally?”. Sometimes we need to learn to practice compassion for our inner bitch.
The foundations of self-compassion are understanding that we are not our thoughts, that we can choose whether we believe what our inner critic says, and the acknowledgement that at its essence, our inner critic wants our highest good.
Self-compassion is often misunderstood. It isn’t weakness. It isn’t settling or holding back. It doesn’t mean we are not accountable to ourselves or that we lose our drive or ambition. And it is not the same as self-esteem, self-confidence or even self-love.
True self-compassion, rather, is the ability to see ourselves as human. It is rooted in kindness, providing a cushion on which to fall as we stretch our known boundaries. It is an expression of inner strength. It embodies a gentleness towards ourselves, an acknowledgement not of failure but of persistence. It allows us to rest, to push forward, and to re-write the script of our inner bitch.
Self-compassion allows us to not be perfect. To be silly, but never stupid. It allows us to change our negative thoughts – the “I am never enoughs”, the “I’ll be happy when’s” – to guideposts of what we truly desire, rather than stop signs along the way. Without the need to be perfect or live up to unrealistic expectations, we give ourselves a chance to listen to feedback, to grow, to improve – to be human.
Compassion for our inner bitch doesn’t look the same for everyone. For some, it is an internal journey – a shift in our thoughts, perceptions and the way we speak to ourselves. For others, it might mean pausing, shifting, changing life direction. It might mean speaking up and standing out, knowing that whatever the outcome, you’ll treat yourself as you would a close friend. After all, self-compassion is sitting with what is; acknowledging our suffering and our fears, without running away.
Sometimes the most self-compassionate thing we can do is to make friends with our inner bitch, know that she is scared, and ignore her terrible advice.
How can you practice self-compassion? How can you be kind to your inner bitch today?
Launching February 2018 is Courageous Conversations, a 5 week online masterclass in having brave, real and honest conversations. Learn to say no, to express your true feelings, and to ask for what you really want. Want more info as it launches? Send a note with the subject “Courageous Conversations” to stay updated: laura@appleseedcoaching.com (more…)
Procrastinate much? Yeah, me too. That’s why it has sometimes taken me months to put out a blog or three weeks to renew my gym membership. Procrastination is pretty common, and most of us know that it doesn’t serve us, so why do we do it? Why is it so hard to follow through on our plans and get stuff done?
Procrastination is a form of resistance. Maybe we’re scared of whatever it is we are trying to do (hello, fellow perfectionists!), or maybe we are avoiding something we feel we have to do but don’t want to. Either way, telling ourselves to ‘just do it’ or setting daily reminder messages just doesn’t seem to cut it.
A lot of coaches will say that the key to overcoming procrastination is to break the task down – make the big goals smaller, so that they don’t seem so overwhelming and unattainable. This is super useful, and it is true that when we understand the small steps we have to take, they are easier to action on a regular basis. There are also times, however, when we know the small steps to take (start a yoga class, finish our homework, stop eating bagels for breakfast), and we still don’t do them. Why? Because our habits are not supporting our goals.
Let’s take writing as an example. There is no use saying, “I’m going to write 2000 words by next Friday and submit three articles for publication in the next month” if we don’t have any habits to support us. Even if we understand the basic action steps involved and commit to writing every day (or eating healthy, completing our assignments, starting our pottery lessons –whatever it is), we would find it hard to continue as soon as work had a stressful week, the kids got sick or we woke up a little too hung-over one morning.
Procrastination is a form of self-deceit, and we trick ourselves into thinking we are too busy, too tired or too un-supported to undertake a certain task. We look for evidence by prioritising everything from cleaning our house to walking the neightbours dog, but this is difficult to do when our daily habits and routine are supportive of our dreams.
If you are serious about overcoming procrastination, consider adopting some of the following habits in to your routine.
1. Meditate
Meditation isn’t just for yoga enthusiasts or Tibetan monks in mountain caves. It is a practice that can help even the worst of procrastinators, which is why I set it as homework for all of my clients. It could be considered ironic that by taking time to sit still and do nothing we actually accomplish more, but in the words of Lao Tzu “By letting go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go, but when you try and try, the world is beyond winning”.
Meditation helps us to go within and centre our minds. When we are able to slow down and observe our active thoughts, we can see where our resistance to a certain task is coming from, and how to move past it. Meditation allows us the space to start each day in a way that is sacred, and to make a silent commitment to the tasks we want to complete.
2. Be Mindful
Some might say that this is the same as meditation, and indeed there is such a thing as mindfulness meditation, but what I mean here is to be present in every day life. So often we are racing from one thing to the next – we are in the shower planning what we will eat for breakfast with our spare seven minutes, or scrolling through Facebook on our morning commute. Rarely do we take the time to truly sit and be present with the activity at hand.
Daniel Goleman, best-selling author of Emotional Intelligence, says, “While many assume we’re splitting our attention while multitasking, cognitive science tells us this is impossible. We do not have an expandable area of attention to offer simultaneously; instead, we have a limited amount to allot. We’re not partitioning our attention, we’re just moving it back and forth rapidly. And doing so really prohibits us from being fully absorbed.”
Our culture says that multi-tasking is valuable, and it is considered almost a pre-requisite to many jobs these days, but it isn’t necessarily what makes us the most productive. Multi-tasking often means our brains become so scattered that we forget to drink our coffee until it is cold or we finish the day with eight half-written emails and a third of a presentation, but nothing complete. Mindfulness, or ‘single-tasking’, allows us to be present, to process information faster, boost our attention span and is even known to decrease anxiety and stress.
3. Write, daily.
Journaling is a profoundly powerful practice, so I don’t just suggest this for budding writers and bloggers. Studies have shown that daily writing helps decrease anger and frustration, elucidate our goals and inner thoughts and even boost the immune system! Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin empire, is quoted as saying, “My most essential possession is a standard-sized school notebook”.
Starting your morning with just 10 minutes of free-flowing writing can have an impact on the rest of your day.
4. Remember Your Compelling Why.
Most of us procrastinators find it easy to forget (either selectively or unconsciously) why it is we are doing what we are doing. Understanding our ‘compelling why’ (also known as the end-goal or grand vision) gives us the motivation to work through the uncomfortable muck we avoid by procrastinating.
Above my bed is a vision board which I look at each day. This collection of images serves as a reminder of why I have certain goals, and where I want my life to go. It shows me my ‘compelling why’, and provides me with the motivation to work through the uncomfortable and not delay my dreams.
5. Get a Coach.
Yeah, yeah, I know I’m saying this as a coach myself, but having a life coach is what has helped me work through countless issues, including procrastination. A life coach not only helps keep you accountable for your regular actions, but also provides insights and strategies for overcoming fear, breaking down obstacles and getting clear on the big picture. They’re cheerleaders and strategists for your dreams, and a good coach will help you get from where you are to where you want to be.
Depending on what you are procrastinating over, there are countless other daily habits which can support you in your goals, but the above is sure to help. What can you adopt into your routine today?
How have you overcome procrastination? What habits have you adopted? Let me know by commenting or send an email to laura@appleseedcoaching.com
I believe it was Carlos Castaneda that once said, if you don’t have a story, you have nothing to live up to. We all have a story that we tell ourselves. A story of where we come from, who we are, what we are capable of, how lovable or worthy we are, our likes and dislikes and where we want our lives to end up. Our story shapes our lives and the life of the culture we live in. But what if we could change that story, or what if we didn’t have one at all?
Most of my life I have had a story of not being good enough. It’s a story common to my generation and society at large. Corporations and brands bombard us with images every day that confirm this belief – that we need to be prettier, smarter, better, stronger in order to be enough, and we can do this through buying more. We’re told that we live in a finite world, and that if we’re not enough, more money or a new outfit can help fix that. As most of us learn, it doesn’t work this way.
The stories we tell ourselves are really just a set of beliefs, handed down by our parents, our teachers, our friends and the ‘tribe’ at large. Sometimes they start when we are young. We get picked last for a sports team as a child and we decide that we are terrible at sport. It just isn’t our forte, and we don’t have good hand-eye coordination (or fitness, or strength or tactical skills). Our parents might say they weren’t good at it either, and so we decide that if they weren’t good at it we never will be either, and so the story is continued throughout our life.
Sometimes we write them as adults. We write a story about the opposite sex and their role in relationships. Men aren’t trustworthy. I’m too fat/unattractive/broke for someone to love me. Women are too needy. I can’t be happy being single.
Often the stories go deeper. That we aren’t lovable. That we aren’t smart enough or beautiful enough. That there will never be enough money. The reasons behind how they develop vary, but inevitably the story is the same. They reflect the limitations we place on our lives.
What if they weren’t true though? Life the way we tell it and life the way it actually is are often two different things. What if we learnt to change the stories we told ourselves and recognise them for what they are? Stories. Our lives are shaped around the narratives we tell ourselves, some of which were true when we formed them but rarely carrying through to the present day.
In any given moment we have the power to choose a new story for ourselves. To believe that we are enough. To know that we are lovable, always. To know that every problem in our lives can be seen from a different perspective, empowering us with the potential to change our lives.
They say you can’t hide your secret thoughts, because they show up as your life. You can change them though. You are not your past, your habits, your job, your faults or your struggles. You are only the person you choose to be in each present moment, and your life is only the story you are choosing to write.
Shame has been wielded as a method of control for centuries.
“You do not have to be good,” writes Mary Oliver. “You do not have to walk on your knees/ for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting./ You only have to let the soft animal of your body/ love what it loves.”
Procrastinate much? Yeah, me too. That’s why it has sometimes taken me months to put out a blog or three weeks to renew my gym membership. Procrastination is pretty common, and most of us know that it doesn’t serve us, so why do we do it? Why is it so hard to follow through on our plans and get stuff done?
